Many of us would like nothing more than to relax in the great outdoors by ourselves or with loved ones this time of year-soaking up the warmth and sunshine of the summer days. However, all too often we may find ourselves putting this enjoyment on the back burner to prioritize other responsibilities. Perhaps our kids have an extracurricular activity we must bring them to, or our parents need a little extra help, work asks us to put in over-time again, and let's not forget that lengthy lists of "things to do" around the house. With all that each day brings (and I'm sure each of us can think of many other tasks that I have not written here) it may seem all too easy to de-prioritize taking time for ourselves.
 
A recent study found that many parents and caregivers work an average of 98 hours per week, surviving with an average of only 17 minutes of free time each day. (Sadly, I bet for some readers this is even on the low side for work hours.)
How many times do we find ourselves -shaving off hours of sleep, skipping meals, exercise or other activities that promote personal wellness only to find ourselves more lethargic, less clear thinking, and/or developing mood changes such as becoming more irritable or depressed. Simply put, we cannot be there fully for our jobs or loved ones if we do not also take time to be there more fully for ourselves.
 
To live well requires learning to balance the scale. When the scale is weighed more towards giving to others than nurturing and restoring ourselves symptoms of burnout begin to surface. When we have reached a state of emotional, mental and physical exhaustion (often caused by prolonged stress) burnout has occurred. Burnout involves feeling overwhelmed and/or emotionally drained to the extent that our ability to function on a day to day basis is impacted.
 
However, burnout doesn't happen overnight. It is more of a gradual process. Taking time for a little TLC, or self-care is vital to a healthy life and preventing burnout.
 
It is not uncommon to feel a little awkward or guilty when we begin to practice better self-care. However, learning to provide more care for ourselves does not mean we are selfish or self-centered. Quite the opposite! Taking time to nurture ourselves deepens our ability to care for others. It also helps us to recharge and be more present with those around us both in our professional and personal lives.
 
Over the course of our lives we experience periods of calmness -when everything seems to be going well and crisis seems at a low. However, we may also experience times when we feel bombarded with multiple emotionally charged events or difficult decisions all at once. If we have not been practicing self-care during the periods of calm these periods of intense tension or stress are liable to have more negative impacts on our lives and health.
 
Self-care simply put Is doing something we find meaningful that helps recharge us - body, mind and spirit. True self-care includes caring for the whole person.
Below are just a few self-care tips to get you started.

1. Try to live a more balanced lifestyle: such as being more mindful of sleep, nutrition, and exercise. Perhaps commit to an exercise you enjoy 3x a week or try to go to sleep 15 minutes before your usual time. (if you can include even more time, that's great but if not, 15 minutes is a start.)
2. Spend more time with those who uplift and support you on life's journey: perhaps you might prepare and enjoy a meal or two with a loved one each week or engage in a meaningful conversation with a friend. Set more boundaries on those relationships that seem to create more stress and/or negativity in your life.
3. Release toxic (negative) emotions: Some find the expressive art forms such as music, movement, drawing, or writing helpful for this. Others find long walks, hiking, swimming or other sports helpful for releasing stress within the body.
4. Delve more into your spirituality: Connect more with nature, meditation, yoga, studying the Torah, attending temple services or other programming.
5. Engage yourself mentally in something you enjoy: such as reading, exploring a new philosophy other than your own, puzzles, word searches, or attend lectures or workshops.

 
The list of options goes on and on.
Practicing self-care nurtures and supports our whole being allowing us to return to that "list of things to do" with renewed energy, focus and alertness. Wishing everyone a summer full of activities that engage and rejuvenate you- body, mind and spirit!
 
(If you think you might be on the road to burnout and/or are struggling with how to make self-care more of a reality in your life the Kesher social worker at your temple is available to help. This free supportive service is available to all congregants and their families.)
_______________________________________________________
References:
Front. Psychol., 09 February 2017 | https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2017.00163
https://www.statista.com/topics/2099/stress-and-burnout/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/high-octane-women/201311/the-tell-tale-signs-burnout-do-you-have-them

 

As our population ages, the number of adults struggling with diseases of the older years increases as well. One such disease is Alzheimer's Disease. The chances that we will come into contact with someone who is struggling with this disease are, unfortunately, steadily increasing.
 
When we do come into contact with someone struggling with this disease, it can be difficult to know how to connect with them. The types of conversations we had previously may no longer be possible due to changes in memory or information processing abilities. If you are a caregiver for someone with Alzheimer's Disease, that can bring communication challenges to the forefront of your everyday lives, greatly impacting your relationship with your loved one. In this article, I'd like to give an overview of some communication strategies and tips to support you in connecting with people struggling with Alzheimer's Disease in the community or in your own life. For further information, I recommend the Alzheimer's Association website at www.alz.org.
 
It is important to remember that, while the ability of a person with Alzheimer's Diseaseto communicate is greatly impacted, they maintain their sense of self throughout their experience with the disease. Their ability to express themselves through language and to understand language may change, but you can still connect to the essence of who they are.    
 
Alzheimer's Disease affects each person differently. In the early stages, it may shift the person's ability to communicate and they may have troubling finding the word they want to express. It can be helpful to ask whether they want to be helped with words or not, for example, "How would you like to be helped with words? Would you rather I jump in with a word that you may be looking for, or wait and allow some time for you to find it on your own?"1 While it can help to use short sentences to aid in communication, it is important to not "talk down" to the person. 1 Make sure to include them in the conversation and speak directly with them even if their language seems limited. Their ability to understand may be more intact than their ability to express themselves. 2 Communication challenges and worries about making mistakes may lead a person with Alzheimer's Disease to withdraw from conversations. Including them and being sensitive to these feelings can help them engage and feel connected to you.    
 
            As the disease progresses, the person may have further problems with language such as increased difficulties finding words, repeating familiar words, inventing words, losing their train of thought, and difficulties following conversations. 1Connecting through ways other than language becomes more and more important. Paying attention to your tone of voice, facial expression, and body language help support the feeling of safety and connection in a conversation. 1While a person with Alzheimer's may struggle to understand your words, they will understand the feeling behind your words. Your frustration and tension will come through just as will your patience and presence. Taking your time in conversations and taking care to notice your own emotions will support a meaningful connection.
 
The person struggling with Alzheimer's Disease may also communicate more through behaviors or gestures. It can become important to respond to the emotions that seem to be expressed through the behavior rather than the behavior itself. 1This can require you to understand and join their reality in that moment. The facts are less important than the feelings. For example, rather than "Calm down, I am sure your keys aren't really lost", you might say "I hear how upset you are about the keys not being where they usually are. It is so frustrating when that happens! Can I look for them?" 1This type of attention takes patience and insight. Give yourself time and self-care to be able to provide this type of listening and response.
 
Some other tools that can support a feeling of safety in communication are approaching the person gently, from the front, and at eye level, as well as calling them by name and identifying yourself and your relationship to them. 1 Gentle touch can also feel grounding and caring. As processing information becomes more difficult, it can be helpful to utilize questions that offer choices rather than open ended questions such as "Would you like tea or water?" rather than "What would you like to drink?".1
 
In later stages of the disease, communicating in ways other than language may become primary. Using our five senses together can support connection, such as listening to music, looking at photographs, spending time outdoors, and noticing smells, tastes, or sensations together. 1The most important thing to remember at any stage of the disease is that it is okay if you don't know what to do or say. 1Your reassuring presence, respect, and caring connection are the most important to anyone in your life, including your friend or family member struggling with Alzheimer's Disease.
 
 
1Effective Communication Strategies. (n.d.). Retrieved May 23, 2018, from https://www.alz.org/northcarolina/in_my_community_64912.asp
 
2Coste, J. K. (2004). Learning to speak Alzheimers: A groundbreaking approach for everyone dealing with the disease. Milsons Point, N.S.W.: Transworld Publishing.

 

By Tara Watkins, LICSW

Spring has officially arrived! Days are becoming longer and warmer. Spring holidays, such as Passover, that celebrate the theme of hope and renewal, are right around the corner. What better time than now to begin to think more fully about how we might revitalize and renew ourselves? Here are a few tips:

De-clutter: physical, mental, and emotional purging
​When we think of renewal we often think of rebirth. Mental and emotional clutter often gets in the way of actualizing this experience. Many gardening experts recommend trimming back old branches on plants in early spring before new buds emerge to help keep a plant blooming at its fullest potential. Our lives parallel this example. Each spring we are reminded to reassess and "cut back" what is weighing us down, sapping our energy, and holding us back from fulfilling our hopes and dreams. We mayneed to challenge the negative or limiting thoughts we have about ourselves and how things "should be," rather than accepting how they truly are, in order to more fully embrace our actual life as it is here and now.
Getting rid of physical things we no longer need can be hard, but a good place to begin. Identifying something as clutter often has more to do with how we feel about it than how it might necessary look in our home. If you are having a hard time parting with something, I recommend focusing first on those belongings that have a negative association. For example, holding onto possessions such as clothing, home décor or correspondence given to us from past partners (especially if these were toxic relationships) usually only serve to bring us down. Instead, try to focus on keeping things that inspire or motivate.

Explore a new spiritual practice
Daily spiritual activities, such as yoga or meditation, offer a chance to renew ourselves more fully in the moment. They can be a gift we give our true selves. Additionally, reading sacred texts, either our own tradition or those of others, helps connect us to the larger community. This feeling of connection forms a foundation for rebirth, both within us as well as our greater community.

Start something completely new.
Focus on spring as a time of new beginnings and resolve to do something you've always wanted to do but never felt you had the time for. Maybe it's time to begin taking more care of your physical health, start volunteering, or begin to explore that creative streak?
I encourage you to begin slowly, one change at a time, gradually adding others as you go. It's a good idea to begin making small changes first, as this is usually more manageable and helps set us up for success and a desire to continue trying new things. Remember that it's never too late to fulfill a dream-we might just need to adapt the way we go about trying to achieve it.

Spend more time outdoors.
Lingering outside when spring arrives can be especially beneficial. One study conducted by the University of Michigan found that during Spring when participants spent at least 30 minutes outside, the warmth and sunshine positively impacted their mental health and overall mood. As time spent outside increased, researchers found that study participants experienced improved mood and memory as well as increased openness to new information and creative thoughts.
 
"Being outside in pleasant weather really offers a way to re-set your mindset," says Matthew Keller, the post-doctoral researcher who led this psychology study. He explains that although most people think weather affects mood previous research tested this theory and found no relationship. "We did find that there are two important variables: how much time you spend outside and what the season is. If you go from winter to spring and spend enough time outside, there's a noticeable change."
Keller stresses, "life is full of color and life is fun. It's easy to forget that during the wintertime."
 
Slow Down
Life moves so quickly, we seem to always be "plugged in" in some way or another through our smartphones, and various other digital gadgets. We are surrounded with constant stimulation from information. It can be hard to quiet down our minds, or just slow down enough in general to have true quality time that is "unplugged" with our families. One way we might be able to achieve this is to have one location in our homes where we store all our smart devices (such as a basket). When we walk through the door, all devices are placed here and only retrieved during specific times. This allows some families to feel like they reclaim family time as well as some time for themselves.
Simplifying helps us rethink what is most meaningful in our lives and if have lost our way from this. We might reflect on: What do we value most? How much quality time do we spend with people we love and doing the things we most care about? What is the best way to use our time to create the life we want?
Hopefully, these tips have encouraged you to reflect on what is most meaningful and "spring" into a life that is more fully your own. Welcome to Spring!

If you want to implement some of the suggested tips but find yourself struggling to do so, as the Kesher social worker I am here to help you work through these challenges. I can also explore potential supportive services, if needed. My contact information is: 401-338-8301 or asmall@jfsri.org.

References:
Brenner, Abigail, M.D, 7 "Rituals" for Spring Renewal, Psychology Today, March 28, 2013.
Khazan, Olga, "How Spring Opens the Mind" The Atlantic. March 21, 2014.
https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/03/how-spring-opens-the-mind/284572/
Science News, October 7, 2004, University of Michigan. https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2004/10/041006082239.html

By Rose Murrin, LICSW, Kesher social worker at Congregation Beth Sholom
 
As a psychotherapist, I find myself apologizing to people again and again. "I know this sounds weird. I too am a skeptic." Usually, I'm talking about mindfulness exercises, progressive relaxation, visualizations, you know the stuff. And I am a skeptic. The first time I was offered reiki (a form of energy healing), I reluctantly accepted, but only if I could work on my paperwork while I got it. The reiki practitioner and my ego agreed to that. My mind did not get the message- it just chilled right out and refused to focus on my notes.
 
And I feel silly sometimes- admitting that I, too, try to use these tools. This is the stuff of illogical, hippy-ish people and that certainly is not me! But here's the thing....it isn't illogical (there is a ton of research to support it!) AND it works for me. I spent 2 hours trying to convince myself to write an article today, but kept finding errands on the other side of the building, emails to answer, calls to make. So, I forced myself to sit quietly, imagine leaving all the things that are nagging at my mind and heart in a safe place, and now, I can write. Some people run, draw, make lists, do yoga, pet a dog, clean the house..... you name it. Furiously scrubbing a bathtub might sound like the most kooky form of centering to some, but for some people it is just what they need to focus on what is most important that day.
 
Some people fall naturally into these habits. For others, it is hard to do. To get going and to let the worries settle is a difficult balance to find. We struggle to be kind to ourselves, but not to the point of avoiding life. We struggle to push ourselves to be better without finding ourselves in self-punishing, burned out places. If the lines between each of these poles could intersect so our gentleness and our healthy drive could work together, I suspect we would all have slightly different looking X's. A little more gentle for one person may be just right. A little more drive for another might feel more comfortable. Wherever that point of intersection falls, it is ok to not hit the mark perfectly- this is where embracing the kooky stuff comes in. Embracing the kooky stuff almost requires a sense of humor. It reminds us that we are "playing" with ideas and skills to see what works and what doesn't. Maybe today it is scrubbing the tub to see if it helps. Maybe tomorrow it is sitting still with our eyes closed, just noticing the sounds around us for a few minutes. At some point, in the midst of feeling ridiculous, we might find ourselves calmer, more focused, where we need to be in that moment. Then we can try that again or try something new the next time. Over time, you can fill that tool bag with a variety of stuff that works. There will be tools that work for different situations, distractions, and feeling states, because you may want a variety of skills for a variety of situations.
 
If the idea of beginning to fill the tool box appeals to you- whether to be calmer, happier or more productive- begin to play with ideas. If you are struggling to get started, reach out to your Kesher social worker. We all have different skills to share and are happy to help get you started.

 By Tara Watkins, LICSW

Spring has officially arrived! Days are becoming longer and warmer. Spring holidays, such as Passover, that celebrate the theme of hope and renewal, are right around the corner. What better time than now to begin to think more fully about how we might revitalize and renew ourselves? Here are a few tips:

De-clutter: physical, mental, and emotional purging
When we think of renewal we often think of rebirth. Mental and emotional clutter often gets in the way of actualizing this experience. Many gardening experts recommend trimming back old branches on plants in early spring before new buds emerge to help keep a plant blooming at its fullest potential. Our lives parallel this example. Each spring we are reminded to reassess and "cut back" what is weighing us down, sapping our energy, and holding us back from fulfilling our hopes and dreams. We mayneed to challenge the negative or limiting thoughts we have about ourselves and how things "should be," rather than accepting how they truly are, in order to more fully embrace our actual life as it is here and now.
Getting rid of physical things we no longer need can be hard, but a good place to begin. Identifying something as clutter often has more to do with how we feel about it than how it might necessary look in our home. If you are having a hard time parting with something, I recommend focusing first on those belongings that have a negative association. For example, holding onto possessions such as clothing, home décor or correspondence given to us from past partners (especially if these were toxic relationships) usually only serve to bring us down. Instead, try to focus on keeping things that inspire or motivate.

Explore a new spiritual practice
Daily spiritual activities, such as yoga or meditation, offer a chance to renew ourselves more fully in the moment. They can be a gift we give our true selves. Additionally, reading sacred texts, either our own tradition or those of others, helps connect us to the larger community. This feeling of connection forms a foundation for rebirth, both within us as well as our greater community.

Start something completely new.
Focus on spring as a time of new beginnings and resolve to do something you've always wanted to do but never felt you had the time for. Maybe it's time to begin taking more care of your physical health, start volunteering, or begin to explore that creative streak?
I encourage you to begin slowly, one change at a time, gradually adding others as you go. It's a good idea to begin making small changes first, as this is usually more manageable and helps set us up for success and a desire to continue trying new things. Remember that it's never too late to fulfill a dream-we might just need to adapt the way we go about trying to achieve it.

Spend more time outdoors.
Lingering outside when spring arrives can be especially beneficial. One study conducted by the University of Michigan found that during Spring when participants spent at least 30 minutes outside, the warmth and sunshine positively impacted their mental health and overall mood. As time spent outside increased, researchers found that study participants experienced improved mood and memory as well as increased openness to new information and creative thoughts.
 
"Being outside in pleasant weather really offers a way to re-set your mindset," says Matthew Keller, the post-doctoral researcher who led this psychology study. He explains that although most people think weather affects mood previous research tested this theory and found no relationship. "We did find that there are two important variables: how much time you spend outside and what the season is. If you go from winter to spring and spend enough time outside, there's a noticeable change."
Keller stresses, "life is full of color and life is fun. It's easy to forget that during the wintertime."
 
Slow Down
Life moves so quickly, we seem to always be "plugged in" in some way or another through our smartphones, and various other digital gadgets. We are surrounded with constant stimulation from information. It can be hard to quiet down our minds, or just slow down enough in general to have true quality time that is "unplugged" with our families. One way we might be able to achieve this is to have one location in our homes where we store all our smart devices (such as a basket). When we walk through the door, all devices are placed here and only retrieved during specific times. This allows some families to feel like they reclaim family time as well as some time for themselves.
Simplifying helps us rethink what is most meaningful in our lives and if have lost our way from this. We might reflect on: What do we value most? How much quality time do we spend with people we love and doing the things we most care about? What is the best way to use our time to create the life we want?
Hopefully, these tips have encouraged you to reflect on what is most meaningful and "spring" into a life that is more fully your own. Welcome to Spring!

If you want to implement some of the suggested tips but find yourself struggling to do so, as the Kesher social worker I am here to help you work through these challenges. I can also explore potential supportive services, if needed. My contact information is: 401-338-8301 or asmall@jfsri.org.
​
References:
Brenner, Abigail, M.D, 7 "Rituals" for Spring Renewal, Psychology Today, March 28, 2013.
Khazan, Olga, "How Spring Opens the Mind" The Atlantic. March 21, 2014.
https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/03/how-spring-opens-the-mind/284572/
Science News, October 7, 2004, University of Michigan. https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2004/10/041006082239.html

By Amy Small, LICSW
 
Some of you may have had the pleasure of attending the recent talk at the Jewish Community Center by one of the authors of the book, The Joys and Oys of Parenting. While I was unable to make that event, I have been reading their book and would like to share one of the topics here: The Peaceful Home.
Picture this scenario:
 
"The household is in an uproar. Everyone is upset at everyone else. There is yelling, no one is listening.... And the doorbell rings. It's a neighbor. Suddenly, everyone calms down; they're not only polite to the neighbor, but also to one another. When the neighbor leaves, lo and behold, life goes back to something more like "normal" and the argument is left behind."1
 
The authors call this the "Neighbor Test" and describe how this shows that we "all value having a peaceful home," but that it is "easy to lose sight of that ideal".1 They reflect that the presence of a neighbor somehow "engages our better temperaments and behavior". 1 Somehow, everyone snaps out of the argument and chaos, but how? I think a bit of mindful attention is coming into play here. While we are in an argument or a stressful situation, it is hard to see anything else, even things we deeply care about like our love for our family members. Defending our position, discussing a past transgression, lamenting a lost privilege, or other thoughts, take over both the parents' and the child's minds. While these things may need addressing, if emotions are running high, it is hard for anything to be accomplished effectively.
 
If we could have a neighbor surprise the family like in the above scenario, everyone might have the chance to regroup and re-engage with each other more constructively. Do we have to wait for a neighbor to visit for this to happen? No! We have tools always available to simulate the "Neighbor Test" and bring ourselves into the present moment- our 5 senses! Here is a fun and grounding trick to try that I like to call the "Color Trick". When emotions or general chaos is running high for yourself or the household, identify a color for you or the family. Then, everyone glances around the room, from right where they are, and notices everything that is that color. When our mind is captured by the present moment and our attention is brought to a bodily sense, it is hard for our minds to keep spinning out of control. A calmness and increased ability to be engaged and listen may be more accessible to all family members at this point. Now the task of getting out of the house, dealing with a consequence, or eating the broccoli seems more possible. At the very least, everyone has a chance to bring their best selves to the situation just like they did with the neighbor. Experiment with this trick for yourself and your family! There are no rules. You can say what you see out loud or silently. You can notice, point to, or touch the items. You can do multiple colors. You can do multiple senses! A variation on the color trick is an exercise where each person stops to notice one thing for each sense, sight, sound, touch, smell, and (maybe more challenging) taste. You and your family might even find this fun, which is always a plus when things have gotten out of hand! Rabbi Philmus at Torat Yisrael shared the trick of doing something silly that gets everyone laughing or at least gives them a moment to pause from the challenging time. Once a new habit like this gets started, kids may get more involved too and even initiate one of these tricks when they see things are getting heated!  
  
What if your kids don't buy into these tricks? No problem! It is a great self-care tool to keep your own cool in a stressful situation. If we can keep our cool, we are better able to see solutions we may not see otherwise, avoid doling out consequences we can't follow up on, and respond with compassion and clarity rather than react with an "emotionally charged comeback".1 Sharing what we are doing with the child helpsmodel this type of self-care and self-regulation skill. Taking our own 'time out' where we stop engaging with a child for a period of time and focus on a self-care tool can be very powerful in modelling self-control and providing us a break from the intensity of the situation. You can do the color trick, count to ten, take some deep breaths, or even go to another room for a few moments.  
 
The authors of "The Joys and Oys of Parenting" remind us that "a peaceful home is not a place where no one ever gets angry".1 Anger is "healthy and normal" and "it's what we do with that anger that counts". 1 The authors quote the Talmud, "When a wise man loses his temper, he loses his wisdom." 1 I think it is safe to say that we have all experienced this at one time or another and experienced the unintended aftereffects. So, how do we experience anger without losing control of it, especially when we are under the stress that chaotic family life often provides? First, how do we recognize anger rather than be taken over by it? There are often "physical signals" like sweating, flushed face, a fast heartbeat, teary-ness, shaking, clenched muscles, or a tight jaw that occur to a small or large degree. 1 Once we have noticed these signals, we can use a tool like the color trick, deep breathing, or taking a break from the situation to cool down. 1 When we get some distance from the situation and the initial emotion, we may see that another emotion was hidden under the "rug" of anger such as worry, exhaustion, disappointment, or embarrassment. 1 After the intensity of emotion has lessened a bit and we have a clearer idea of what is going on for ourselves, we can then put our feelings into words more clearly and address the situation constructively. For example, after a heated debate about a child's refusal to pick up their shoes, it might sound like this: "I realize I've been raising my voice and am sounding angry. I apologize. Actually, I am tense today for totally different reasons than your shoes. I needed a minute and a way to take a step back to realize that. Let's try again." It may have been a stressful phone call earlier, worries about your child's school performance, or a difficult day at work that contributed to the emotions of the moment, but now you can more clearly and constructively address the issue at hand with less emotional reactivity. This is great modeling of self-regulation and self-expression for our children.
 
When our own emotions are clearer and calmer, we are able to see what may be under the "rug" of our children's initial feelings or behaviors as well. We can then speak to those feelings, helping them "build a vocabulary to communicate what is going on inside" rather than acting it out.1  For example, maybe your 4-year-old had trouble playing with a friend that day or your 14-year-old got a disappointing grade or felt left out at school. Either of them might just be feeling unsettled that day for reasons they don't understand. When we are more grounded and calm ourselves, we can see the signs that something is off with our child and tune into that as well. The shoes still need to get picked up, but hopefully it can happen with a little less anger and frustration once difficult emotions have been acknowledged. It can be difficult to sit with our true emotions, both as children and adults, but being mindful of these can help us create a peaceful home where we can stay connected to our values regarding our families and loved ones.
 
1Elias, M. J., Gootman, M. E., & Schwartz, H. L. (2016). The joys & oys of parenting: insight and wisdom from the Jewish tradition. Springfield, NJ: Behrman House.
 

 

Rose Murrin, LICSW
 
Have you ever been caught speaking out loud to yourself? Most of us have. Some of us laugh at ourselves, make jokes about "losing it," generally try to brush it aside. Others are apologetic. Some just roll with it. But it can feel exposing to be caught talking to ourselves. Why? To put it simply, our private inner thoughts have been observed. While this is not necessarily bad, it can take us by surprise.

Having an internal dialogue is a common experience. We think and often, those thoughts are directed at ourselves, our surroundings, even the thoughts themselves. This inner voice expresses our points of view, positive or negative. It is an important tool in figuring out what we do and don't want to engage with in our world.

When I sit and talk with people, these thoughts come up frequently as they can profoundly impact our experiences. They are also quite telling about the world view from which we operate. This can be particularly important if there is a theme that isn't working. For example, a person might have a frequent thought, "I always mess things up." Each time a failure is experienced, this thought crops up. It might even get said aloud. These inner themes are common, but they can cast our world in absolutes. In reality, our experiences are rarely so black and white. There are often many facets of a thing we are trying to accomplish. For example, if one is making dinner, one might make a pasta dish, a salad, a dessert. Each of these will require multiple steps- some will go better than others. Perhaps veggies get chopped efficiently and the pasta is perfectly timed. Perhaps the pasta sauce is too runny and the dessert gets overcooked. If the overarching, natural response is, "I always mess things up," one will look at the meal as a failure which is consistent with one's overall experiences of one's efforts.  On the other hand, if the person's inner dialogue tends toward the positive, "I like to try new things," they may see the success of the pasta texture, the time saved chopping vegetables in a new way. They may even approach the less successful elements with a curious mind- observing that the sauce might thicken better with the lid off or that their oven cooks faster than recipes generally require. The more positive outlook allows for an expectation of improvement with future efforts. It allows for the perception of success.

This is all fine and good, but if you are a person whose thoughts tend toward the negative, what are you supposed to do? There are many ways to address negative inner dialogue, but a simple one to begin with is to try matching a negative with a positive. So, in the dinner example, if one notices the thought, "I always mess things up," one might then actively choose to find a positive thing to say to oneself as well- "I enjoyed trying out this new recipe" or "I made a pretty good salad." Over time, as you get better at recognizing the negative thoughts and matching them with a positive one, you might up it to two positives for each negative. Much like the muscles in our arms, our minds can strengthen in new ways with exercise. In the beginning, it can feel awkward and unnatural, but with practice, it can become a part of your inner experience.  If you want support in this practice, you can reach out to friends, family, a therapist, or your Kesher social worker. This simple practice can really begin to shift your experience of your life and world. While you will probably continue to talk to yourself, you may begin to enjoy what you hear!
 

By Tara Watkins, LICSW
 
Who comes to mind when you think of someone who has aged well?  What qualities or characteristics does this person have?  Whatever unique qualities might surface when you ponder these questions, universally each person is mostly likely resilient, compassionate, and loving.
 
It is important to remember that aging well doesn't happen overnight, rather character traits are developed and nurtured over a lifetime of experiences. What traits should one try to develop? According to Rabbi Rachel Cowan and Dr. Linda Thal co-authors of the book Wise Aging: Living with Joy, Resilience, and Spirit, those who age well easily feel and express gratitude, finding the good in others and in events. From this place of gratefulness they are less frightened, less angry and more accepting of their situation. They are also more generous, finding pleasure in giving and helping to build relationships and community. Aging well individuals have learned to be patient and trusting, but not passive-allowing events to unfold more slowly, accepting other people's foibles and not rushing to judge or blame them. They are joyful, though not necessarily ebullient, so they find more to celebrate in the day, and feel more optimistic. When you are with them you may sense a certain equanimity, an ability to hold paradox, to be with both the sad and the happy, with the frightening and the pleasurable, and to take life in stride.
 
These character traits of gratitude, generosity, patience, joy and equanimity are vital to manifesting some of the behaviors that Dr. George Valliant, director of Harvard University's extended longitudinal study on aging, has identified as promoting aging well:

• Being able to orient one's thinking toward the future rather than the past.
• Maintaining a generally optimistic perspective, choosing to interpret events and choices so one sees possibilities rather than risks when given the opportunity.
• Developing mature adaptive strategies (turning lemons into lemonade)
• Reacting well to change, disease, and conflict.
• Reinventing oneself.
• Practicing forgiveness
• Feeling and expressing gratitude.
• Letting go of self-importance.
• Demonstrating for the young how not to fear death.
• Finding a rationale for living well even in times of great loss.

Hearing such a detailed list might make us wonder whether we can really expect so much of ourselves, especially if these traits do not come naturally. We might find ourselves asking:  Is it truly possible for me to strengthen or perhaps begin to develop these qualities at this point in my life?
If you find yourself contemplating this remember
change is always possible, and is a process. There may be a sudden "awakening", but we must do the inner work to incorporate and integrate the new ways of thinking and being. 
 
Recent work in neuroscience helps us understand how this change process takes place. When we cultivate new kinds of thoughts and behaviors, we are making changes in our brains that will eventually modify our habitual patterns of thought and action, yielding to new responses. Thus, no matter where you are in life, with practice it is possible to cultivate the qualities mentioned by Dr. Valliant.
 
Having a hard time figuring out how to start the process or perhaps find yourself hitting a road block along the way? The temple's Kesher social worker is available to help support you through this experience.  Consultations are confidential.
 
If you found the article intriguing and would like to explore this topic in greater depth, Tara Watkins is hoping to start a book discussion group at Temple Emanu-El in Spring 2018 focused on Dr. Linda Thal and Rabbi Rachel Cowan's book in the Spring 2018.  Please call 401-527-7772 or email  tara@jfsri.org to let her know you are interested and she will follow up with further details.

 "Self-care" is a buzz phrase that is often thrown around as an antidote to stress or other challenges in life.  While this is true, it can feel most difficult to take care of yourself when you most need it.  Time, energy, and other resources can quickly become much more limited when dealing with a crisis, change, or stressor.  Good sleeping, eating, and exercise habits go out the window.  Things we do for ourselves are often the first to get cut when resources are low.  How, then, can we care for ourselves when we most need it?  Is the answer to drop everything and take a bubble bath or a long walk?  Sure, if you feel you can!  Sometimes trying to squeeze in what we think of as "self-care" ends up adding more stress than calm though.  What can one do with limited time and energy when the going gets tough?  A helpful tool can be found in our mind. 
 
Have you noticed what is going on with your thoughts when you are going through a stressful or challenging time?  This may be a place where you can get some relief and much needed "self-care."  In considering Tara's article last month about forgiveness, self-forgiveness is a good place to start.  When things get difficult, we can often become critical of ourselves for not doing enough or not doing the 'right' thing.  If a good friend was going through a difficult time, would you be critical of them and tell them all they were doing wrong or would you be kind and supportive?  Oftentimes we treat our friends better than we treat ourselves!  One way to impact our thoughts is to offer ourselves forgiveness and kindness when we are struggling.  Imagine what you would say to a good friend who you want to offer support and then shift your thoughts to offer the same to yourself.  Another name for these thoughts is "self-talk."  "Self-talk" are the things that we say to ourselves in thought.  Often, we don't even notice we are saying them.  Noticing and shifting our "self-talk" can be done anywhere, anytime.  Shifting to a kind and supportive inner comment takes no more time than a negative comment.  The old saying goes "you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar!"
                
Another "self-talk" shift that can support you during stressful times is noticing when you say "should" to yourself.  We often put a lot of expectations on ourselves and the criticism may take the form of telling yourself something you "should" do or be.  If we change this small word "should" to "could," it can make a big difference in how we feel.  Rather than a criticism, it turns into a choice that you have control over.   
                
During this time of year when we are often thinking of others, we need to include ourselves in that as well!  I'd like to offer another type of "self-care" that only takes moments to do.  This is a practice from Buddhism called "loving-kindness."  You can find a quiet place if you are able, but you can also do this while dealing with frustrating traffic, screaming kids, or impossible deadlines.  Try sending yourself the following wishes, really connecting to each of them, repeating them, and allowing them to sink in. 
 
"May I be happy"
"May I be healthy, body and mind"
"May I live with ease and kindness"
 
Once you have offered these to yourself, chose a person close to you to send these wishes to.
"May you be happy"
"May you be healthy, body and mind"
"May you live with ease and kindness"
 
And then choose someone you are less acquainted with to send these wishes to.  You can send these wishes to people further and further from yourself and even to those with whom you are having challenges.  Sending these wishes to the person who cut you off in traffic can be a step toward your own "self-care."  Again, back to Tara's article on forgiveness, forgiveness or "loving-kindness" toward others can contribute to our own well-being as well.
                
So, as you go through stressful, frustrating, or challenging times, remember that "self-care" is more than a long walk and a bubble bath.  Check in with your thoughts to see where a small shift may help you be kinder to yourself.  If you would like support in practicing this or other ways to manage challenges in your life, please reach out to me.  All conversations are confidential.    

Please Note! I will be out on maternity leave from late July to late October. While I am out, you can reach out to Rose Murrin, LICSW, for any of your needs through Kesher. Please don't hesitate to call her at 401.331.1244 or email her at rose@jfsri.org. I look forward to connecting with you when I return!
 
By Tara Watkins, LICSW
 
As the High Holidays approach, many of us find ourselves reflecting on the concept of forgiveness. Unfortunately, too often, struggles with knowing exactly what our goals should be hinder our path. Are we accepting an apology, letting go of hurt or anger, and/or reestablishing a relationship?

In their book entitled Wise Aging: Living with Joy, Resilience, and Spirit, Rabbi Rachel Cowan and Dr. Linda Thal explore some of the common misunderstandings of forgiveness that may make the process of forgiving more difficult:
1) Forgiveness is the same as forgetting. This is not true. Sometimes we do forget, but if we choose to, we can forgive without forgetting. We are entitled to remember and it may even be wise to remember to try and protect ourselves from experiencing a similar hurt in the future.

2.) Forgiveness is the same as excusing or condoning. Definitely not. We can continue to find a person's behavior inexcusable but still let go of the anger or hurt we feel when we think about it. We can separate our negative judgment about the action from our feelings of being personally injured.

3.) Forgiveness makes us vulnerable and weak. This is absolutely wrong! Forgiveness actually makes us stronger.  Unfortunately, some people fear that forgiving is "giving in," and also that by forgiving they concede a battle and set themselves up to be hurt again.

According to Rabbi Harold Kushner, true forgiveness really happens only when we are strong enough to let go, when we are able to say, "you because of what you did to me, don't deserve the power to be the ghost inside my head." By taking this first step and acknowledging the "ghost," we remove its power over us and begin to move forward on our path towards forgiveness.

4.) Forgiveness only occurs when there is acknowledgement of wrongful behavior. This belief gives the wrongdoer all the power! If we spent time thinking about what happened as objectively as we can, why do we need to wait for the other person to conclude that he or she was in the wrong? Perhaps it would add to our satisfaction and make reconciliation easier, but we do not need to be held back from our own internal process by the other's disagreement or resistance.
So if forgiveness does not depend upon forgetting, excusing, reconciling, or apology, then how do we think about its essence? Psychologist Robert Enright says that forgiveness is "giving up the resentment to which you are entitled, and offering to the persons who hurt you friendlier attitudes to which they are not entitled."

What an empowering statement. Through forgiveness we release ourselves from the forces that weigh us down. Feelings such as anger, resentment, and powerlessness as well as fantasies of revenge and preoccupations with the past no longer have a hold of us.  If we do not allow ourselves to let go of these negative emotions our energy becomes displaced, energy we need to move forward into the future.

Ultimately, when we allow negative feelings and preoccupations to fester within, it hurts only us, no one else, including the object of our resentment. In fact research has shown that long term holding onto resentment and other negative emotions may be detrimental to our physical health.  One unnamed person cited in Wise Aging describes the reasons for why we should strive to forgive as: "Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and then waiting for the other person to die."
I encourage all of us to try and clarify what is getting in the way of truly forgiving ourselves and others. Perhaps some of this article will help you on your path.  However, if you continue  to struggle with figuring out what is blocking you from forgiving someone in your life, or perhaps forgiving yourself for something in the past, I am available to help work through these challenges with you and also find resources and referrals in the community to help continue moving forward.

Cowan, R., Thal, L., (2015) Wise Aging: Living with Joy, Resilience, and Spirit. Springfield, NJ: Behrman House, Inc.